


heartache

by sos_blimek25



Category: Love Live! School Idol Festival (Video Game), Love Live! School Idol Project
Genre: Angst, Drama, F/F, Romance, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-08
Updated: 2021-01-15
Packaged: 2021-03-12 06:09:19
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,049
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28630803
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sos_blimek25/pseuds/sos_blimek25
Summary: Umi has always admired Eli — but it isn't until she sees Eli and Nozomi kissing that she realises her true feelings.One-sided EliUmi with NozoEli on the side.
Relationships: Ayase Eli/Sonoda Umi, Ayase Eli/Toujou Nozomi
Comments: 8
Kudos: 33





	1. Love

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> EliUmi was my number #1 ship back in the day, so I knew I had to come back and write them at some point. 
> 
> And so, this lovely story about pining came about... Next chapter will be uploaded next week. Enjoy!

“I’ll catch you later, Umi-chan!”

“Honoka, wait—!“ Umi reached out, “Honoka!” And the door slammed in her face. 

Umi shrunk down with a defeated sigh. She was now alone in the Student Council room, standing amid a mess of papers, folders, and untucked chairs. How Honoka managed to ruin so much within such a short span of time, Umi didn’t know — she was a hurricane, bringing chaos wherever she went, and it was always Umi’s job to set things straight. She had long accepted her fate.

“She never listens…” she muttered. Her body began moving on its own, straightening paper stacks, picking up loose documents from the floor. She was too busy sulking to notice the door creaking open.

“Umi?” A much gentler voice poured through. While Honoka’s was extremely grating (as a result of her incessant yelling, rather than her vocal quality), the one that called out to her was particularly soothing. Umi looked up and was met with a pair of icy blue eyes.

It was Eli. “What are you doing here, you’re not going to practise?” she asked.

Umi breathed a sigh of relief. There was always an air of comfort surrounding the third-year, and slowly, Umi’s tension began to break away. “I plan to,” Umi said, “but for the time being, I’m busy, I’m afraid.” She gestured to the room.

Eli gave an understanding smile. “Honoka?” Umi nodded. “Childish at times, isn’t she?”

“Oh, yes,” Umi said. “And she’s never changed over the years. Ever since we were kids, she’s always been…” Eli grabbed a few folders that had fallen off the desk, and began stacking them. “Oh, Eli, you don’t have to—“

“It’s alright,” Eli waved a hand. “I’ve done this plenty of times.”

Umi’s brow creased. “Exactly, you shouldn’t have to stress over the Student Council anymore. I’ll be done in just a moment.”

“Umi, really, it’s just a few folders.” 

Eli’s voice enveloped her, as it always did. It had an almost magical, charismatic quality to it, and paired with the manner in which Eli spoke — so steadily and confidently — hearing it felt like a warm embrace. She was brief with her words, not out of rudeness, but the opposite. She carefully constructed her sentences. It was a constant reassurance of honesty; she wouldn’t so much as waste a breath on something that didn’t come from the heart.

It was impossible to doubt someone who spoke in such a way. It was one of the reasons Umi admired Eli so much — she was reliable, mature, and easy to trust.

Umi smiled, gracefully accepting defeat. “If you insist.”

The two worked in silence for a while and neither seemed to mind. They didn’t need to speak to enjoy the company of the other; it was enough to simply share their presence. When so many of their friends had loud and demanding personalities, quiet moments like these were a rare privilege.

“You know,” Eli spoke after some time. “Sometimes I worry that making Honoka Student Council President was a bad choice.” Umi glanced at her, surprised by the sudden confession. “But then I see you working so hard to support her, and I know she’s in good hands.”

Eli smiled at Umi, that angelic smile that made her insides melt. “Honoka’s very lucky to have a friend like you,” she said.

Umi’s heart skipped a beat. She had never been so deeply touched by praise before — perhaps that was the effect of Eli’s candour. If her words could not be disputed then her compliments couldn’t either. Umi was suddenly breathless and flustered, and she took longer than she liked to formulate a reply. “That’s… a very kind thing to say.”

“She might not say it,” Eli continued, “but I’m certain she appreciates everything you do.” She handed a folder to Umi. “Here. Last one.”

Umi glanced between the folder and Eli. And in a voice way too timid, she said, “Thank you, Eli.”

Umi went to practise, went to class, and went home. So much time had passed, yet she couldn’t stop thinking about her brief conversation with Eli.

It was nighttime now; her curtains were drawn closed, slithers of moonlight weaving into her bedroom from the cracks in the window. Umi was in bed at 9 pm, as she always was, but couldn’t find sleep. It was frustrating. Usually, she would close her eyes and be whisked away moments later, but — her clock kept ticking. And ticking. And ticking.

She was still awake, still thinking about it.

What was that awfully warm sensation that danced across her chest? Why had her heart skipped a beat at mere praise? As Umi pondered, she felt this sinking feeling that it wasn’t the first time this had happened.

She recalled it happening briefly in the past but blamed it on other things — lack of sleep, anxiety, her imagination. This time was different. Umi was perfectly rested, wasn’t anxious, and was entirely present in that moment with Eli.

And her heart had skipped a beat.

There was a possibility she had contracted a life-threatening disease and her heart was weakening by the second, but — she shook her head. That was too absurd. It was just the two of them in the student council room, and yet, something so marvellous had happened.

It was just the two of them, Umi repeated. Just the two of them.

She was on the verge now, she could feel it. The pieces were slowly coming together. But with exhaustion catching up to her, Umi doubted she would make any more progress tonight. She sighed, putting the puzzle to rest for another day. 

She was so close.

* * *

The wind was whistling through the trees that cool, spring day. The sun struggled to break through the clouds overhead, but some preferred it that way — not too hot, and not too cold. Umi was confidently early to practise that evening. She’d left Honoka in Kotori’s hands for the day, and what a relief it was.

There was an extra spring in her step as she climbed the stairs to the rooftop. Her humming came to an abrupt stop when she heard muffled voices on the other side. What a surprise it was, for someone to arrive earlier than herself — and, by the sounds of things, they weren’t alone.

Umi’s breath hushed as she approached the rooftop door. She peered through the window and found Nozomi and Eli sitting next to each other. The two were talking, too distant to hear; Nozomi leaned and whispered something in Eli’s ear, and they both burst into laughter.

There were strange expressions on their faces — eyes glittering with vibrance and adoration, cheeks flushed with colour; Umi couldn’t pinpoint the reason, but there was something peculiar about it, some emotion she didn’t recognise. They were expressions only Nozomi and Eli could understand.

Umi considered walking away when Nozomi slowly leaned into Eli. With a hand on her collar, she pulled her in, and their lips pressed together.

They were— they were kissing?

Umi froze.

Umi was squeamish about watching kisses in movies, and yet, there she was, unable to tear her eyes away. She was disorientated by confusion. It was like she had been punched in the gut, she felt winded — a flush of cold, then hot, then cold once more. It occurred to her, after some time passed, that this was something private, something she shouldn’t have set her eyes on.

Now, her heart was pounding with a pang of sickening guilt. Umi raced down the stairs, sweating bullets, trying to stamp down what she had seen. It was too late — their kiss was burnt into her memory, it sank into her skull like the fangs of an adder, its throbbing venom spreading through her body. It kept replaying in her mind, chasing her down the staircase. She didn’t know what to do, only that she had to get far, far away from the rooftop.

She sprinted down the hallway and as she rounded a corner, she bumped into someone.

“Hey, watch it!” It was Maki, her glare quickly replaced with recognition. “Umi?”

“M-Maki, I— I’m so sorry,” Umi struggled to catch her breath. “I forgot my… I’ll see you at practice.” And she was gone, leaving Maki with a perplexed frown on her face.

On trembling knees, Umi stumbled into the bathroom, the first place she knew she could be alone. The acidic smells of cleaning detergent tickled her nose. She held onto the sink, met her reflection in the mirror, and her jaw dropped at what she saw. 

She looked like a ghost. Her face was drained of all colour, her eyes hollow and pitiful, her lips quivering and white. It was like all vitality had been sucked from her soul and she was staring at the shell left behind. She was a disaster. She didn’t know why she had been upended by something so simple.

It was just a kiss, after all. Just a kiss.

And yet, the longer she dwelled on it, the less that seemed to matter. It was not the kiss that troubled her, but instead, the individuals. Nozomi and Eli. Their happy faces flashed through her mind, staining her vision red. It felt like an act of betrayal, like their kiss was to spite Umi herself.

It puzzled her so, why she was having thoughts like this. It was just a kiss, Eli was still her friend. Eli hadn’t forgotten her. She was free to do as she pleased and, evidently, she was very happy with Nozomi. Umi splashed her face with water, but the thoughts couldn’t be so easily washed down the sink.

Why was Eli in the centre of this? Why was she only concerned about her?

Umi felt a pinching behind her eye sockets and fought the urge to rub them. She felt a stabbing through her chest and accepted there was nothing she could do. She couldn’t understand what was happening to her, why she felt she had been shot, why she felt her lunch could come up any minute.

Her ghostly reflection provided no answers. No matter how long she stared into those sunken eyes, she couldn’t see what was within her heart. Umi bowed her head in defeat.

She was so close.

Shaky breaths began to even out. Her tears subsided. Umi swallowed it down, the pain, the poison, all of it, and turned around. Her strong sense of responsibility drove her from the bathroom and back towards the rooftop. Despite the dread, she pushed on, simply because there was work to do. She couldn’t let everyone down.

Umi was the last to practise. They had started without her but she didn’t mind; she silently slipped into the background, as if she had been there all along. No one paid her any particular attention. It was practise as per usual for them.

For Umi, however, it was a nightmare. She couldn’t focus. Her eyes, like magnets, were drawn to Nozomi and Eli who were always standing a little too close. She was overcome with a sick curiosity. She hated to think they could be exchanging glances, holding hands, or — how the thought disturbed her — kissing when she wasn’t looking. Now that she knew their secret, it was plaguing her thoughts, and it showed in her poor performance.

“Umi-chan, are you listening? You’re a whole beat behind!”

“O-Oh, right. Sorry.” Being told off by Honoka, of all people. How humiliating.

It was the longest practice of her life. She could feel the skyline crushing in on her, the atmosphere thickening as if sprinkled with ash and by the time they were finally finished, she was exhausted. Umi had never wanted to go home so badly. There was nothing that could comfort her except for the warm embrace of her bedsheets.

Umi rushed for the exit, only to feel a hand grasp her own. “Umi?” Her blood ran cold. She didn’t need to turn around to know who it was.

“You seem a bit out of it today, that’s not like you,” Eli said. “Are you alright?”

Umi glanced over her shoulder, barely meeting Eli’s gaze. The floor wobbled, only for a moment, but it was a miracle she didn’t come crashing down. With a flimsy smile on her face and a polite nod, she faced Eli as best she could. “Y-Yes, just a bad day, I suppose,” she said. It felt extraordinarily horrible, lying to someone so sincere.

And yet Eli mentioned nothing of it. “Let me know if you need anything, okay?” Eli said. “I’m here for you.”

The words didn’t move her in the slightest. For the first time, Umi was doubting Eli, and the second she turned away, the smile crumbled from her lips.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For chapter progress updates, follow me on [twitter!](https://twitter.com/sos_blimek25) It's also the best place to contact me if you ever would like to!
> 
> Thank you for reading!


	2. Heartache

The next few days were lost in a blur. Umi had lost her anchor, her laser-fine focus, and felt extremely disorientated all the time. She had gone so far as to tell her friends she was ill and took a day off school to rest in bed. A few of them left caring phone calls, but Umi doubted any amount of honey and lemon tea would cure her heartache.

Heartache — that was her self-diagnosis. She didn’t know well the matters of the heart, but Umi couldn’t deny her heart was aching. She took baths for ephemeral comfort but felt cold most of the time. She was reminded of Eli in all that she did; her thoughts seemed insistent on returning to her. And though Nozomi had done nothing wrong, there was always a tinge of pain at the thought of her.

And, like the inseparable Yin and Yang, if heartache was present, that proved the presence of its hideous counterpart. 

Love.

There was nothing left to ponder, but no satisfaction came from reaching her answer. It was too much to wrap her head around. Love, she repeated to herself. She could barely believe it — she had fallen in love with Eli.

Days had gone down the drain, washed out by pity. Umi could only sit in her own sorrow for so long. Perhaps, she thought, she should talk about it, and get it off her chest.

She scrolled through her contacts, her finger hovering over the screen. Umi held her breath. Whoever she called would become involved. Whoever she called would not only know Umi’s secret but Eli and Nozomi’s. 

Was this really something she should talk about? Was this her right? She sat on the idea for a while, tossing and turning in bed. Whoever she called would be the only one to know. It wasn’t like she was spreading rumours. Hopefully, after telling the news, the matter would be buried for good.

It was late afternoon by the time she came to a decision. Umi sat up and turned her phone on again. Unexpectedly, she came to a stop on Maki’s name.

Somehow, she felt Maki was already involved. Umi had bumped into her that day, she had seen Umi’s twisted expression, and was probably owed an explanation. She was a responsible girl, and, since they weren’t close, there was less chance the subject would resurface.

Her phone began to ring, and with it, the rising heat of regret. Maybe Umi could hang up now, write a message explaining it was an accident — as she planned the first sentence in her mind, the ringing came to an abrupt stop.

Maki picked up. “Hello?”

Umi’s words rushed out of her mouth. “H-Hey, Maki, sorry for calling so late.”

“Is everything okay?”

“I need to talk about something, if that’s alright.”

Maki was taken aback by the suddenly serious tone. “With me?”

“I needed someone level-headed.”

“Don’t you usually go to Eli?”

The sudden mention of Eli’s name sent Umi’s head spinning. Maki knew, she thought, she knew of her secret, she knew of her feelings — then she took a deep breath. 

There was no way Maki knew. She was right, after all, Eli was her usual go-to in situations like these. It wasn’t a strange thing to say.

“W-Well, you see,” Umi started slowly. “It’s actually about Eli…” There was a pause. Umi shifted in her seat. “Listen, if I’m bothering you, I can go.”

“Don’t say that, I was just surprised,” Maki said. “Do you wanna come over? I’ll send someone to pick you up.”

“That would be greatly appreciated.”

Within the hour, Umi was sitting in the lounge room of the Nishikino residence, a cup of tea cooling on the table before her. Maki took a seat across from her, crossing her legs, and then stared her down with awfully sharp eyes. Umi felt paper-thin, fearing Maki could see right through her.

“So?” Maki was quick to cut the silence. “What did you wanna talk about?”

Umi fiddled her thumbs. Her eyes stayed in her lap, her eyebrows furrowed together. Her stomach was empty, yet it squeezed as if trying to rid itself of something. “The other day before practise,” Umi said, slowly, “I saw Nozomi and Eli… k-kissing.” 

“Is that it?”

Umi’s heart was pounding. She looked up to see Maki had barely raised an eyebrow, her expression unchanged. Umi frowned. “You’re… awfully calm about this.”

“I’m not surprised.” Maki shrugged. “They’ve had a thing for each other for a while now, I just assumed they were dating. You didn’t know?”

“No…” The knot in her chest tightened. Maki’s words had an unintentional bite to them. Umi felt like such a fool. Was it really something so obvious, did everyone else know? Was she the only one who didn’t see it? “I admit, I’m not the romantic type,” she said sadly.

“So what’s your issue, you don’t approve of that sort of thing?”

“No, no, its nothing like that. I’m happy for them.” Umi paused. “At least, I… want to be.”

“What’s stopping you?” Maki’s abrupt replies were a big change from Kotori’s passiveness or Honoka’s blind optimism. Maki was attentive and direct, at times, a little brash. Her questions fired without mercy. 

It was intense, but at the same time, Umi was grateful — the answers were squeezed out of her, without thought. If she had turned to anyone else, like the patient Kotori, she feared they wouldn’t have come out at all. 

“I… I think I feel jealous.”

Maki’s eyes narrowed in thought, and then once she had come to a conclusion, she sat back in her chair with a somewhat pitying look. “Oh,” she said. “You like her, don’t you?”

The words hung in the air. The truth was out, just like that.

Umi gently nodded her head. “I think so.” Her gaze returned to her lap, and she sighed. “If only I knew about her and Nozomi sooner, this wouldn’t have happened.”

“That’s not how love works,” Maki snapped, and then, regretting her quickness, she cleared her throat. “Not that I’m an expert or anything,” she added. “The heart wants what it wants, regardless of if it can have it.”

Umi frowned. “What a terrifying thought.”

“So what are you going to do now?”

“I don’t know. I’m not going to get between them, that would be awfully selfish. I suppose I just have to get over it.”

Maki’s eyebrows furrowed with worry. “You realise how hard that’s gonna be, right? Especially since you see her every day.”

“Of course, but…” Umi shook her head. “What other choice do I have?”

Maki frowned. An idea flashed through her mind, but she hesitated to voice it right away. Eventually, she took a deep breath and glanced away. “You’re not gonna like it, but…”

* * *

It was pouring with rain that day. Through the window of a classroom, watching the raindrops splatter against the glass, Umi wondered what tragedy had unfolded in heaven for the storm to be so unrelenting. Perhaps the angels were weeping for her, shouldering the pain on her behalf — for she felt particularly numb, despite what she was about to do.

The final school bell tolled, and Umi took a deep breath. She assured her friends not to worry; she was only staying back to catch up on some readings until the rain died down. They left without resistance, only because Umi had practised her lines tirelessly and immaculately. She was becoming quite the liar, it seemed.

She watched the storm once more, admiring the hanging, grey clouds in the distance and the rumbling thunder that shook the building’s foundations. Even the wind that screeched over the hills, she didn’t mind; she was awfully numb to it all.

Umi sat and waited for what felt like forever. Five, ten, fifteen minutes passed. Then finally, an entire hour. The rain had not let up, but it was her cue to leave. She rose from her chair and, only once she was on her feet, was she hit with a deep, swirling dread that nearly knocked her back into her chair. Umi gritted her teeth and pushed onward.

With wobbly steps, she descended to the entrance doors of the school. Umi saw a blurry silhouette on the horizon, walking with an umbrella overhead. Her heart twisted in her chest. This was her only chance to turn back. She glanced over her shoulder but she shook off the temptation.

Umi couldn’t give up now.

She dashed out towards the figure, her feet splashing with every lunge. Rain immediately dampened her hair, curled down her cheeks, caught in her eyelashes. A dry scream tore from her throat, piercing through the roaring winds. “Eli!”

The figure stopped and slowly turned. “Umi?”

Eli smiled, that devilishly charming smile, and Umi’s chest rose with adoration. She could not keep the words down much longer, they were rising to the surface, defying the waters that tried to drown them.

“Don’t just stand there in the rain,” Eli took a step forward. “You’re gonna catch a—“

“I like you!”

Eli stopped. Her smile faltered. “What?”

“I like you.” Umi’s voice had broken and become frail, and her tears mixed up in the rain. Her body was quivering but she stared Eli down with the fragments of her resolve. “I-I don’t want you to say anything. I don’t expect anything. I know about you and Nozomi, but I… I needed to let you know. For my sake.”

Eli took a breath as if to speak, but nothing came out — just an empty puff of air. The pitying look in her eyes was all she could manage. After all, what was one to say after seeing a heart laid bare, a heart destined to be broken? She cared about Umi. She did not want to hurt her, Umi could tell — perhaps it was selfish to thrust this situation upon her.

The winds howled between them, carrying a shudder of sadness. It seemed to urge Eli forward, and she took a step, and then another. Her eyes stayed on Umi. Soon they were face to face, Eli’s umbrella shielding them both.

“Oh, Umi…” Her voice fell from her lips. “I’m so sorry.” She threw an arm around Umi and pulled her into her chest. 

Umi wished it wasn’t so warm in Eli’s embrace. It was as if Eli emanated such an aura of purity and honesty that within it, Umi’s falsehoods stood no chance. She began to crumble, her numbness turning into pain. Her strength into insecurity. Her indifference to anxiety. She wasn’t okay, she was hurting, and it all began to sink in.

Eli didn’t love her. No matter how she prayed, Eli would never love her. She would never look at Umi the way she did, never fall asleep thinking of her, never dream about her. They would never secretly hold hands under the table, or fall asleep next to each other, or share kisses on the rooftop.

Sobs broke out from Umi’s throat. Eli squeezed tighter, and she finally squeezed her back. She didn’t know how long they stood there like that, holding each other in the rain, but it felt like an eternity. All the heartache, all the love that had been building in the corners of her heart for so long — Umi let it all out.

And when the inevitable moment came, when Umi found the strength to pull away, she knew she had to let it all go.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading! Sorry this one couldn't have a happy ending.
> 
> Don't forget to follow me on [twitter](https://twitter.com/sos_blimek25) if you liked this work, or check out my others here on AO3.


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